Hello my Sweet Lochlan,
It's been almost two months since you graced our family with your presence and I decided that now was a good time to write the story of your birth. Details are already becoming fuzzy and I know I will kick myself later if I don't do this now while it's still somewhat fresh in my mind.
In the days and months leading up to your birthday, I had been a giant ball of emotions. One minute, my heart was jumping with excitement and the next, I would be paralyzed with fear and anxiety. Doubts would flood through me and I would have to make a conscious effort to turn off my mind and have faith that all of my payers and choices had brought me to this moment and the decision to birth you completely naturally in the warmth and safety of our own home. In the week before you were born, I remember waking up every day wondering if today was the day we would see your sweet face for the first time. It wasn't until two days before that I began to think that you really were on your way, though I kept telling myself it wasn't time as to not disappoint myself too much.
Saturday September 15, 2012
I had been having contractions all day. Nothing painful or intense but they didn't seem to ease up for the entire day. I went on like usual, your Dad was working at the tunnel and I went shopping with Kai, Grammy and Stephanie. We went to target, my happy store, and walked around. Your brother being the almost three year old that he is, was testing the boundaries left and right. At one point, I even at to walk him out to the car to discipline him. What a sight we probably were! I even thought, "Watch my water break while I'm lugging this wailing child outside!" Luckily, it did not break then, although not so lucky for our midwife. More on that in a bit. So by the time our shopping trip was complete, I was persuaded to call Donna, our midwife just to give her a heads up to what was going on with me. Which at this point, I still thought was nothing. Your Dad came home that night and we ordered Mexican for dinner. I sat with your brother for a long time playing with play dough, reading him books, and telling him stories of all the adventures that you and him would go on some day. I remember haing a lump in my throat and a gut feeling that life as we knew it was about to change drastically and I remember wondering if I was up for the challenge that was ahead of me. Dad and I went to bed quite a bit earlier than usual, around 9 pm, and by midnight my sleep was interrupted by my first actual labor pain.
I jostled your Dad to get up and he suggested I call Donna and/or try to go back to sleep. Agreeing with him, I called Donna and told her my contractions were painful and from my guess were somewhere around 4 minutes apart. I also told her I was still able to talk through them and that they weren't anything terrible. She too, suggested I try to get some rest and I obliged and told her I would call her when things intensified. Now I'm not sure how I managed to do this but I went back to sleep for two hours! At that point in my labor, it was a pretty awesome feat to accomplish.
It was now 2 am and my contractions were intense. Each wave stronger than the one that preceded it and I could no longer lay down during them. I woke your Dad up again, in which he responded that I should try to lay down again. I humored him and attempted to lay down for one contraction but was far too uncomfortable to do so. I called my midwife from the bathroom and updated her on my progress. Still explaining that I was fine in between them but it was getting harder to keep my mind off the pain when I was contracting. She said she would start heading over and that I should call Mel, my very dear friend whom I had asked to be an extra support person during your birth. She too, had given birth at home to her second son and I was fortunate enough to attend her birth as her doula. It was such an amazing experience and I was giddy on the high of her birth for months. So I had your Dad call Mel, because at this point I was losing the ability to talk in between my contratctions. I needed the time in between to rest and mentally prepare myself for the next one.
Looking back, I probably should have realized that my contractions were starting to be one on top of the other but my perception was clouded by the idea I had put in my head that I was going to be in labor for days. Your Dad immediately went into his "Be Prepared" mode and had rearranged the furniture in our living room, lit candles, and put on the pandora station I had selected to give birth to. He was so cute, my heart instantly warms a little when I think about him busily rushing around to get things ready for you. When Mel arrived, my contractions were already more than I thought I could handle. I found comfort in sitting on the toilet and I could feel my desire to seem "in control" slip away. The stronger my contractions became, the louder my voice became. I remember thinking and speaking my doubts that I was not going to be able to do this. I was very kindly reminded that I was in fact, doing it and I was doing it well. At one point, I remember thinking that pounding on the wall and knocking things over sounded like great ideas. I'd like to think that my primal human instincts were to blame for that, but in actuality, it was probably just because birthing you hurt like h***. At this point, your Dad walked into the bathroom and informed me that he was going to go fill up our gas tank. "Just in case", he said. Now at the time this made perfect sense and I didn't think twice about it, maybe I didn't even think about it at all, but looking back now it makes me smile and want to kiss your Dad for being so cute. He had received some advice from Selwyn, Mel's husband, on being prepared and man, did he ever take that to heart. So anywho, he left. To go get gas. :) funny guy.
I'm pretty sure within minutes of your Dad leaving I was fully dilated and effaced. I started to get this overwhelming sensation that I needed to push. The more I resisted pushing the more extreme the pain. Finally, when I couldn't hold back anymore I gave in. I kept telling Mel that I was trying not to push but I was! And where was my husband? And where was my midwife? Mel told me that she was pretty sure that when you had the need to push that you were pretty close to having a baby and I laughed/cried/screamed and said "That would be nice but I'm not getting my hopes uppppppp!"
Your Dad returned in record time and I was so glad. I felt a little, tiny, itty bitty part of me relax. He took over pressing on my back during my contractions and gave Mel a break. In the corner of my eye, I had been watching her text Donna then when I began to say I needed to push, she went out into the kitchen and called her. She came back to the bathroom after the call and said, "She is on her way! She is going 90 and will be here in a minute." Thank. God. I thought.
When Donna walked through my door it was like watching an angel walk into my house. Man, was I glad to see her! This labor had gone from 0 to 60 in just over an hour and I there was no possible way I was giving birth to you without her next to me. She immediately walked over and hugged me. I told her I needed to push and she said "Ok, let's check and see how much progress you have made." "All I feel is a bag of water!", she excitedly replied afterward. I couldn't believe it. it was game time.u
We moved to the living room and your Dad, Mel, and Donna covered up the chaise lounge and got me sitting on up on it. Your Dad was sitting behind me, holding me and loving on me. I gave my first push and a giant gush of water splashed everywhere, including all over my wonderful midwife. Yep, my water broke all over. Giving birth is amazing. By the time I got to the living room I had given in to the pain and contractions and was just going with it. Honestly, I don't remember this pain nearly as much as I remember the pain fom not pushing. I pushed for 12 minutes and you were born.
At 3:58 am on September 16, 2012 I reached down and brought you up to my chest and looked into your eyes for the first time. You were absolutely perfect and it was the most blissful moment of my life. Every pain I had experienced had ceased and was long forgotten. I had you and I had the birth I had been dreaming of. It was one of the most incredible feelings in the world. A high ten times better than anything I experienced during my skydiving days.
Your birth was ideal in every form of the word for me. It was 100% natural. I was at home surrounded by people that I love and people who love me. It was quick. It was safe. And it was beautiful, was it ever beautiful.
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