Dear Kai, part one

I was looking at my calendar today and it dawned on me that I was almost the mother of a two year old. Although, there are many indicators that Kai, has in fact, reached the "twos" something about looking at the calendar this morning, made that seem so much more real to me. After my big realization, I began digging for a very special word document saved on our computer that I somehow forgot about for the past 9 months. You see, I decided to start a tradition for my children, one where I would write them a letter on each one of their birthdays. The first would be the longest and would include memories from my pregnancy with them through their first birthday. And then one day, either when they are 18 or become parents themselves (I haven't decided which yet), I will give them the collection of letters. A gift that could never be purchased and one that would bring to light, the joy they have brought to my life, and Jesse's too of course. Since I have been attempting to blog as much as I can about our lives, using it as a way to document certain memories, I felt I should share the letter I wrote on Kai's first birthday. It seems only right.
This is a long letter, so I decided to split it up among a few posts. I'd say mostly women read this blog, so I'm guessing it will be somewhat interesting to most of you. If not, I apologize for being an emotional, mushy, lovey dovey type of woman. If you aren't at least one of those, please message me because I'd really be interested to know how you do that! :)

Dear Kai,
You will often hear women say they knew immediately they were expecting, that something just felt different. With you, my son, this was not so.
I don't know if that was because your father and I were not trying to get pregnant or if I was just oblivious to all of the signs but needless to say, I was shocked when I saw two pink lines on that pregnancy test. You see, I had just come back from a trip to Chicago with Aunt Yumi, and I was patiently waiting in the car while Daddy was in his recruiter's office receiving his ship out date for Basic training. I had been having terrible heartburn that radianted much further then just my chest and had been feeling super emotional which I blamed on the date that was approaching for your father and I to be separated for nearly 8 months. With a sudden urge to go to the bathroom, I got out of the car and walked to the nearby drug store. While heading back towards the restroom I happened to pass by the family planning section. In the corner of my eye, I saw a pregnancy test and grabbed it with the intention of reassuring my spinning head that all of my symptoms were not from being pregnant. When the clerk told me the bathroom was out of order, I walked down to Publix to use the bathroom there. I took the test and initially saw just one line, "phew!" I thought in my head. As I gathered my stuff to walk out of the stall I glanced down at the stick one more time and ever so slightly, a second line was appearing. My head really started to spin and I went into full fledge shock mode. I tried to walk out of the store as composed as I possibly could, to not call attention to myself and lost it just as I reached the car. I began calling Aunt Yumi obsessively. She finally called me back and with as much composure that I could manage, I mustered out, "I'm pregnant!"
She did her best to calm me down and I was thankful. It wasn't that I wasn't happy, I was just overwhelmed. And if you know me at all, you know I am a planner. This just happened to not be written in my plan at that moment and I panicked. When your dad reached the car, he immediately saw my face and asked me what was the wrong. Again, I was sobbing and told him I was pregnant. He reached over and hugged me and said, "Its ok, this is a happy thing! Everything is great! We love each other and we are going to have a baby!" Your father is a wonderful man and had me smiling in minutes. All of a sudden, a wave of serenity washed over me and I quickly realized how blessed we were.
Your father was preparing to leave in 4 weeks and we hoped that the days leading up to his departure would move slowly and the days leading up to his homecoming would move quickly. He was able to make it to my first prenatal appointment and for that we were both so thankful. Unfortunately, you were two much of a peanut for them to give me an ultrasound and I know that Daddy was disappointed that he would miss all those special appointments. I was disappointed too.
I will never forget the day I dropped your Dad off at the recruiter's office, I had never felt so heartbroken in my life, we both cried our whole drive there and I thought my heart was going to give out on me. We held each other for as long as we could in the parking lot and then he kissed me one last time, then kissed my barely there baby bump. I don't know how I managed to drive myself back home but I did safely, for you. About two hours after I dropped Dad off, he called me and told me he had the night to do as he pleased, so I immediately got back in the car to pick him up. We had a beautiful evening together. First dinner at The Cheesecake Factory then, we went back home to cuddle together and try to watch tv. We both cried pretty much the entire time while at home. Looking back, it was harder to see him again that day, because we had to say goodbye twice. But we did, and we trudged on. Each of us going down a path leading to a brand new journey. It's funny the way life works out. Your dad was going through training the entire time I was pregnant, and was due to be home 10 days before your due date.
I still remember, the exact date of the day we first "met." It was May 5, 2009 and I was about 12 weeks pregnant. It was your first ultrasound. It was amazing, you actually looked like a baby! You were beautiful and I was immediately in love with you. I got extra copies of your pictures to send to Daddy in my daily letters to him. He later told me that he pulled out those pictures every night and dreamt about all the things he was going to teach you. He even kept one in the pocket of his ACUs. You and I were his motivation. We still are, he says.
Six weeks had passed from when your Dad had left and I was now 16 weeks pregnant and about to find out if you were a boy or a girl. I had decided that I would go alone to this appointment and that I would keep your gender a secret until I saw your Daddy in person and told him at his graduation from Basic. It seemed only right that he be the next person to know. And since I couldn't just call him on the phone and tell him, I decided to wait and really make an event of it. The ultrasound technician, didn't even have to tell me, because I saw what it was I was looking for and squealed with excitement. As she typed B-O-Y on the screen, tears rolled down my cheeks. You had become that much more real to me. Now, you had a name. Kai Alan, you became my little dude in that moment and you have stayed true to that, every day we have shared together.