Mother's Day 2012 Revisited

This Mother's Day was one to remember. I didn't get an elaborate gift or go to some really expensive restaurant. And no, I didn't spend the day alone because my family forgot that it was the one day of the year set aside to honor the women in their lives. It was actually a very simple yet beautiful day.
My boys made me banana pancakes (my favorite) while I got ready for church, alone and uninterrupted. If you are a mother you understand the beauty of an hour of prep time all to yourself. We went to church and enjoyed a beautiful service honoring mothers, came home and had lunch. Took a rest and had my mom over for dinner. Followed by dessert, my new favorite gelato that I just can't get enough of. It's worth every single penny we spend on it and at 6 dollars a pint, that certainly says a lot.
So why was it so memorable? I guess the only way to put it is to compare it to the first birthday you have where you actually realize the significance behind your celebration. That it's more than cake and presents. It's bigger than all of the tangible aspects. Or when you realize Christmas is bigger than Santa Clause and a pine tree sitting in your living room for a month. Your view of the holidays and traditions you have become so accustom to, finally matures and you see things in a new light.
That's how this Mother's Day was for me. I walked around the majority of the day feeling weepy. I know that may sound strange but it's true. To say I love being a mother, is an understatement. To say I love my child and the sweet baby growing inside of me, are understatements. To say I am grateful for my own mother for giving me life, is an understatement. To say I feel more blessed than I will ever feel that I deserve, is a HUGE understatement.
I see things through my mother eyes and heart now. And to be completely honest, I don't think I truly understood what that meant until just recently. Motherhood is instantaneous. The moment I knew there was a baby on the way, my heart changed. When that baby was placed in my arms for the first time, my heart changed. This Mother's Day my heart changed. This is my 4th Mother's Day if you count the first one when I was pregnant with Kai. I am not ashamed to admit that things are different for me now. I believe motherhood, like anything, is a life long process that continues to evolve, grow and mature. Surely, I will be a different mother to teenagers than I will be to my little ones. Though, my love will never change or go away, even if my "babies" are 60 years old.
Motherhood is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
What I'm trying to say is that this past Sunday, I saw the bigger picture. I saw Mother's Day through my mother eyes. I saw the beautiful sacrifice women have made for their children, I saw the joy and the pain, I saw my son gripping his little hand into mine as we walked across the street, I heard his high pitched little voice calling my name, I felt the precious baby boy I'm carrying kick, roll, and hiccup. I saw my own hand holding my Mother's when I was a little girl, I heard her voice and all the songs she used to sing to me, I saw women who wanted so much to become mothers but their bodies would not let them, I saw all the women who didn't want to have kids and felt pain in my heart for the immense amount of joy they would miss out on that they would never be able to comprehend, I saw the mothers who lost their babies and the whole in their hearts that could never be refilled, I saw young mothers and old, married moms, and single moms who are in my opinion, absolutely amazing; I saw women pregnant with their first babies completely unaware what their sweet hearts were in for, I saw everything all wrapped up together, alike and different, how quickly time flies by and how beautiful this world really is.
See why I felt so weepy? You could blame it on my pregnancy hormones or my sensitive heart as a woman but I'm certain it was because I saw the big, beautiful picture. And for that I am grateful.

Birth: Every Home Should Have One.

There is a change coming to the Stahler home.
There is a little baby joining us in September!
We are beyond excited to have another little precious soul to love. We can't wait to start from square one and experience babyhood all over again! There is one thing we are doing differently though. One very important change.
We are not planning to bring our child into the world in a hospital! Gasp!
We are planning on having our baby at home. Double Gasp!

Now, I know there are some people out there who think I am crazy. And I'm sure those of you have a list of reasons why you feel that way.
To be honest, if you would have talked to me a few years ago, I would be right along with you. The words coming out of my mouth would have been somewhere along the lines of, "That lady is out of her mind!"
But, I'm not. In fact, the thought of going back to a hospital this time sounds way more crazy to me.

I have been asked a lot of questions regarding my decision to home birth so let me try and clarify a few myths and concerns in regards to having a baby at home. In my own words and opinion, of course.

1. I am in no way anti-hospital. I think hospitals are absolutely wonderful. But, ONLY in cases where there is an actual medical problem or concern. Doctors fix things. They are there to save lives in emergencies, to cure people when they have an illness, to diagnose ailments of the body and help people maintain the physical lifestyle they desire. As a pregnant woman, I am not sick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me (physically :D). There is nothing to fix. I am a healthy, low risk woman who is having a baby. It's a natural process. So please tell me why I need to go to a hospital to have my baby? The answer to this question is: I don't.
If my pregnancy goes without complication there is no medical need for me to be in a hospital. Not one.

2. So now you are probably thinking, what about in the case of an emergency? I am not having my baby by myself. Nor am I having a baby in the backwoods of nowhere land, USA, where the local medicine woman is going to help me give birth by concocting a potion to help with the pain. I have a CN midwife who has had a formal education in prenatal, birth and labor and postpartum health care. She will be there to guide me and make sure my birth is going safely. The last thing she would ever do would let my safety or my baby's safety be compromised. If for some reason, I need emergency medical assistance that can only be offered in a hospital, then I will gladly transport to the hospital.

3. Having a homebirth is unsafe and being in a hospital reduces the risk of complication. This is false. My birth with my son is the perfect example how complications are just as likely on a hospital, if not more likely, especially in cases where the mother is experiencing a completely normal birth process. Those of you who know me well, know how that birth went. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it went something like this. I go into labor, husband drives me to hospital 45 minutes away, I am admitted, after two hours my labor begins to slow slightly, doctor comes and says, "you need pitocin or you need to go home" she obviously didn't want me to waste her time, I make the DUMB decision to get connected to a pitosin drip out of fear, embarrassment and guilt; could not take the unnatural pain of my contractions and had an epidural, I dilate in record time and begin pushing, I push and push and push, then I push some more, at around 3 hours of pushing, cocky and cold doctor comes in and tells me to stop pushing with my face and that if I can't get this baby out we need to talk options (doesn't she sound so sweet?), I continue to push then spike a fever of 104, doctor comes in tells me its too late, 30 plus people from NICU arrive in my room, doctor gives me an awesome episiotomy and uses a vacuum on my son's head to deliver him, he comes out limp and is not crying, I am crying and asking everyone, "Is my baby ok?", no one answers, they finally get him to let out a little cry and whisk him away from me for 5 hours.
Sounds like a really great time right?

4. Well aren't you glad you were in a hospital so they could fix the problem with your birth?
Ummmm, here is the number one problem with the world we live in today. People have stopped educating themselves and blindly believe anything they are told. I am just as guilty as the next person. I didn't even realize the pitfalls of my birth until I went to the first day of my doula course. And I read constantly during my birth, I felt like I knew almost everything there was to know. I was wrong.
My birth was a prime example of medicine getting in the way and causing a problem that never existed, then having to go clean up the mess they created, all while getting a big pat on the back for saving the day!
The facts are this: a normal birth consists of contractions that ebb and flow, especially when the laboring woman is moved out of her environment.
I didn't need pitocin. I should have gone home.
Pitocin is completely unnatural and causes your body to dilate in a way that it may not be ready for.
The use of pitocin almost always ends up with the use of an epidural.
Epidurals make you so numb you cannot feel how to properly push out your baby.
Epidurals also, have a 45% chance of causing a high fever.
Because I spiked a fever, the hospital had to put my baby in NICU because of the risk of infection.

5. Here is the way I see it: having a baby is one of the most emotional events, a woman will ever experience. It will affect you in ways you can't even wrap your mind around. I chose to be in my home for that event. I want an experience void of hospital gowns, hospital food, complete strangers, wires, needles, bright lights, restrictions, and yes, even drugs.
What I am looking forward to: the ability to take a nap in my bed during the early labor stage without the fear that I won't make it in time to the hospital, being able to eat and drink as I so choose, the ability to control who is present at my birth, the absolute confidence that I will not be pressured into doing anything I don't want to, privacy, the ability to keep my dignity, holding my husband's hand while he coaches me through contractions in my birth pool, looking out my windows and feeling peace as I bring my baby into the one place in the world I feel the safest, and knowing full and well that I am giving my body and most importantly my baby, the gift of a natural birth, the way nature designed.

2012 Evolutions

Happy New Year! (one month and 6 days late)
I'm starting this year off differently then I normally do. I've never been one to be into New Year's resolutions. Actually, I'm fairly certain that I have never even made one. But, this year I have decided to jump on the band wagon. Don't get me wrong, I think the whole idea is great. Starting things with a clean slate, from this moment on, fresh starts. Honestly, one of my main life mottos is, "I did what I did then because it was what I knew, now that I know better, I do better." Where would anyone be if they never had the opportunity to change?
Instead of calling them resolutions, I prefer evolutions.
You see, resolutions are the means to fixing a problem. Most of my goals are not necessarily problems (depends on how much of an optimist you want to be as well) just things that need to be tweaked, dusted off, freshened up and changed ever so slightly.
In order to better increase my odds of success, I have made the decision to share them with all of you :)

1. Increase the amount of time I read and decrease the amount of time I sit on my phone/iPad/computer wasting time doing God knows what while my brain disintegrates into a pile of mush. I'm already an avid reader but I can do better.

2. Cut out even more processed food from our diet. This is one that I have already been working on and one I was doing well before I was aware what the difference between "real" and fake food was. It scares the crap out of me when I go to the grocery store and watch what people put in their carts. 30 boxes of hamburger helper, cake mixes galore, desserts drenched in food coloring, spam, for pete sake, soda, soda, soda, and the worst of them all, velveeta. Have we all forgotten what actual food is if it doesn't come in a box, bag, or can? And the kicker of it all, not one single piece of fresh produce. I made a decision long before my son was born that he would know what real food was and where it came from. So I will continue to do my best to give him the best food I can. If you have never heard the term real food look it up, see how much food you actually consume that is real and how much of it is, well, pretend. You will be amazed. I was. (stepping down from my soap box).

3. Exercise more. Gah. Isn't that so cliche? Seriously though, it needs to happen.

4. Enjoy the little moments more. Stop always looking for what's next and what tomorrow will be like. Just be, here, now, today. Everyday.

5. Send out birthday cards. For Pete sake, if there ever was a person who is the ABSOLUTE worst at that, it is me. I'm sure all my family and friends reading this can attest to the honesty in my words. Probably because they didn't receive a card from me this past year. I am so sorry. If you did receive one, that was not at all my doing but instead a divine miracle. The funny thing is, I buy the cards and even write in them but somewhere between my kitchen counter and my mailbox they become lost. Hmmm....

6. Write on my blog regularly. This may or may not be the 5th time I have written this on here. It's a work in progress.

7. Love more. Love my husband, son, family, friends, strangers, people who are mean, rude and disrespectful to me. People who are different than me. People who think, believe, love, and look differently than me. Love them all MORE. I believe love is a choice. There are days when people are just down right nasty to me and although, the easy response would be to hand them over a big helping of the crap they are handing out, I want to show them love, instead. Even if it's the last thing in the world I think they deserve, even if being snotty and hurtful would prove to somehow be that much more satisfying. I know I will never perfect this and this is not an attempt to try to perfect it, by any means. It will still be something I have to work on everyday of my life. But the heart of the matter is this: I do not want to be someone who is filled with hate, anger, hostility and harsh words. The only way to conquer those things is to choose love.

Dear Kai, part two

Now, there were many people that were not happy I was keeping this big detail a secret, I'm not going to name any names though (your Grandmothers and a few of your aunts). They did everything they could to get me to slip up and call you a he, she, him, or her. One of your grandmothers even tried taking me out shopping for baby clothes. Again, I won't name any names (Grandma Gayla.) She tried to act like she wasn't peeking through aisles of hung up clothes while I browsed the baby section, don't worry though, I had her number! :) I casually looked through both the boy and girl sections and picked out outfits for each with the intention that I would take the girl clothes back when the cat was out of the bag. I never did, because I really liked them. I didn't put them on you of course, they are just stashed away on one of the shelves in your closet for the baby sister you may have one day.
Anyways, the day finally came when we drove up for your Dad's graduation. A few days before we left, I made these cute pink and purple cards for each one of your grandparents. On the outside, was the ultrasound picture showcasing your family jewels. The inside had a short little note from you explaining how you were a really a boy and that I had chosen to make the card in girlish colors to throw them off. Before I gave them the cards, I was going to tell your Dad first. When we initially found out you were on your way, we decided that if you were a boy, we would decorate your room with a cool pirate theme. So when you actually turned out to be a boy, I found the cutest little pirate sippy cup and put it in a satin, drawstring bag to give to your Dad. Knowing full well, he would understand what I was trying to tell him. And he did.
We were sitting on a bench outside of cracker barrel (Ha! Totally not planned to be the place I would make the announcement but makes for an interesting detail) while your grandparents were sitting inside, on the edge of their seats no doubt! Your father looked at me and said, "Really? We are having a Kai?!" All while wearing the biggest smile, I have ever seen on his face. I'm pretty sure you had him at that moment, kiddo. The weekend was a dream and flew by way too fast. We kissed Daddy goodbye, yet again. He was on his way to airborne school at Fort Benning in Georgia.
The awesome thing was, I could drive every weekend to see him while he was there! We were so thrilled. Your Dad said every time he saw me that my belly looked bigger. We spent lazy days at our cozy hotel, enjoyed great dinners out, saw the 6th Harry Potter in theaters (I had to get up at least 5 times to use the bathroom), and spent a day in Callaway Gardens. It was definitely much needed quality time for us, but like usual, the almost 4 weeks flew by and we were saying goodbye, again. At least this time we were on the home stretch of our journey, I was just starting my 3rd trimester and Dad was leaving for AIT in Virginia. After that he was done and around that same time you were almost done cooking!
A few weeks passed and I drove up with Grandma Gayla and Papa Dave to see your Dad for Labor Day weekend. We picked Dad up and headed to Washington D.C. I was 30 weeks pregnant and my stomach was huge! People kept telling me it looked like I was going to fall over from my chicken legs giving out. It kind of did look like that... It was a weekend full of fun and lots of walking, Dad was proud I was keeping up so well.
At about 34 weeks I drove up yet again to see your Dad, this time with Grandma Ruthie. I made the mistake of not drinking enough water and not getting out of the car for enough breaks and when I finally got to Virginia something went a little wrong. I was having some serious Braxton Hicks contractions. Only they weren't BHs because these were painful and coming about every 2 minutes. After much debate, we finally headed for the hospital. We got lost about 5 times but we finally did make it there. The nurses hooked me up to a fetal monitor and monitor for my contractions, I was really relieved to know you were ok. At one point, the nurse asked me if I was feeling anything and I told her yes, I was in pain. She said, "Honey, that's because you are in labor!"
Cue panic-stricken look on my face. Then she added nonchalantly, "Looks like you will be having this baby in Virginia." I told her she was wrong and there was no way I was having my baby in Virginia. She just gave me a blank stare. No offense to VA, but that was just not something I wanted to do. They gave me some scary drugs and IVs, with the hope that my contractions would stop so you could continue to bake a little longer. Something finally worked and after 15 hours in the hospital, 3 of which I was shaking uncontrollably, I was released. Your Dad was so worried about me driving all the way back home to Florida, that he ever so lovingly map quested every hospital off 95 the entire length of our trip. I think there was one every hour or so. Luckily, I made it back home without delay and was feeling fine. Because I was so terrified of having you early after that, I put myself on mild bed rest the remainder of the time until your Dad came home. And you know what?! It worked! Your Dad returned home on November 10, 2009. 10 whole days before you were born. Thank you for that :)

Dear Kai, part one

I was looking at my calendar today and it dawned on me that I was almost the mother of a two year old. Although, there are many indicators that Kai, has in fact, reached the "twos" something about looking at the calendar this morning, made that seem so much more real to me. After my big realization, I began digging for a very special word document saved on our computer that I somehow forgot about for the past 9 months. You see, I decided to start a tradition for my children, one where I would write them a letter on each one of their birthdays. The first would be the longest and would include memories from my pregnancy with them through their first birthday. And then one day, either when they are 18 or become parents themselves (I haven't decided which yet), I will give them the collection of letters. A gift that could never be purchased and one that would bring to light, the joy they have brought to my life, and Jesse's too of course. Since I have been attempting to blog as much as I can about our lives, using it as a way to document certain memories, I felt I should share the letter I wrote on Kai's first birthday. It seems only right.
This is a long letter, so I decided to split it up among a few posts. I'd say mostly women read this blog, so I'm guessing it will be somewhat interesting to most of you. If not, I apologize for being an emotional, mushy, lovey dovey type of woman. If you aren't at least one of those, please message me because I'd really be interested to know how you do that! :)

Dear Kai,
You will often hear women say they knew immediately they were expecting, that something just felt different. With you, my son, this was not so.
I don't know if that was because your father and I were not trying to get pregnant or if I was just oblivious to all of the signs but needless to say, I was shocked when I saw two pink lines on that pregnancy test. You see, I had just come back from a trip to Chicago with Aunt Yumi, and I was patiently waiting in the car while Daddy was in his recruiter's office receiving his ship out date for Basic training. I had been having terrible heartburn that radianted much further then just my chest and had been feeling super emotional which I blamed on the date that was approaching for your father and I to be separated for nearly 8 months. With a sudden urge to go to the bathroom, I got out of the car and walked to the nearby drug store. While heading back towards the restroom I happened to pass by the family planning section. In the corner of my eye, I saw a pregnancy test and grabbed it with the intention of reassuring my spinning head that all of my symptoms were not from being pregnant. When the clerk told me the bathroom was out of order, I walked down to Publix to use the bathroom there. I took the test and initially saw just one line, "phew!" I thought in my head. As I gathered my stuff to walk out of the stall I glanced down at the stick one more time and ever so slightly, a second line was appearing. My head really started to spin and I went into full fledge shock mode. I tried to walk out of the store as composed as I possibly could, to not call attention to myself and lost it just as I reached the car. I began calling Aunt Yumi obsessively. She finally called me back and with as much composure that I could manage, I mustered out, "I'm pregnant!"
She did her best to calm me down and I was thankful. It wasn't that I wasn't happy, I was just overwhelmed. And if you know me at all, you know I am a planner. This just happened to not be written in my plan at that moment and I panicked. When your dad reached the car, he immediately saw my face and asked me what was the wrong. Again, I was sobbing and told him I was pregnant. He reached over and hugged me and said, "Its ok, this is a happy thing! Everything is great! We love each other and we are going to have a baby!" Your father is a wonderful man and had me smiling in minutes. All of a sudden, a wave of serenity washed over me and I quickly realized how blessed we were.
Your father was preparing to leave in 4 weeks and we hoped that the days leading up to his departure would move slowly and the days leading up to his homecoming would move quickly. He was able to make it to my first prenatal appointment and for that we were both so thankful. Unfortunately, you were two much of a peanut for them to give me an ultrasound and I know that Daddy was disappointed that he would miss all those special appointments. I was disappointed too.
I will never forget the day I dropped your Dad off at the recruiter's office, I had never felt so heartbroken in my life, we both cried our whole drive there and I thought my heart was going to give out on me. We held each other for as long as we could in the parking lot and then he kissed me one last time, then kissed my barely there baby bump. I don't know how I managed to drive myself back home but I did safely, for you. About two hours after I dropped Dad off, he called me and told me he had the night to do as he pleased, so I immediately got back in the car to pick him up. We had a beautiful evening together. First dinner at The Cheesecake Factory then, we went back home to cuddle together and try to watch tv. We both cried pretty much the entire time while at home. Looking back, it was harder to see him again that day, because we had to say goodbye twice. But we did, and we trudged on. Each of us going down a path leading to a brand new journey. It's funny the way life works out. Your dad was going through training the entire time I was pregnant, and was due to be home 10 days before your due date.
I still remember, the exact date of the day we first "met." It was May 5, 2009 and I was about 12 weeks pregnant. It was your first ultrasound. It was amazing, you actually looked like a baby! You were beautiful and I was immediately in love with you. I got extra copies of your pictures to send to Daddy in my daily letters to him. He later told me that he pulled out those pictures every night and dreamt about all the things he was going to teach you. He even kept one in the pocket of his ACUs. You and I were his motivation. We still are, he says.
Six weeks had passed from when your Dad had left and I was now 16 weeks pregnant and about to find out if you were a boy or a girl. I had decided that I would go alone to this appointment and that I would keep your gender a secret until I saw your Daddy in person and told him at his graduation from Basic. It seemed only right that he be the next person to know. And since I couldn't just call him on the phone and tell him, I decided to wait and really make an event of it. The ultrasound technician, didn't even have to tell me, because I saw what it was I was looking for and squealed with excitement. As she typed B-O-Y on the screen, tears rolled down my cheeks. You had become that much more real to me. Now, you had a name. Kai Alan, you became my little dude in that moment and you have stayed true to that, every day we have shared together.

4 Things I enjoyed on the 4th of July

FOOD

What's better than good food? 

I guess you could say there are a lot of things that are better but lets just agree that good food is somewhere at the top of the 'best things in life' list.

And when good food is pretty, well, it's just that much better.

Good ol' Berry Pie

Fruit Salad of Champions

My pride and joy. These were so easy!

FRIENDS
Do you know what you get when you add good food with good friends?
The best kind of day.
Here is Kai and his buddy Jacob.
Watching them together makes my heart melt like butter.

FAMILY
I am the happiest when I spend days filled with the laughter, joy and happiness of these two men.
There is nothing better.

Parking Lot Fireworks

In these bodies we will live,
In these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your LOVE,
You invest your life.
- Mumford and Sons

Amen to that.


FREEDOM
You may say I am cliche' for using this but let's get serious for a minute.
This holiday is to celebrate the freedom to BE.
There are thousands of people in places all around the world fighting to protect that freedom.
Whether or not you support the military, it is the truth and it is real.
I never understood the military lifestyle nor did I understand the pride that comes with it but that all changed when that lifestyle I found so hard to relate to and the pride I could never fully understand, became my reality.
The truth is, my husband will probably be deployed in the near future.
The truth is I will have to say goodbye to him and watch him go to war.
The truth is there are families who are doing that right now.
It is not a video game, it is real life.
So while I enjoyed my berry pie and fireworks, I kept the reality of the sacrifices made by countless numbers of families close to my heart.

That Kind of Friend

I have this friend. She is pretty wonderful.
We met at summer camp 11 years ago. The funny thing is, the morning my parents dropped me off my very first day of camp, my mom said these very words, "Have the best time. Who knows, you may end up meeting a friend here that you will have for the rest of your life."
Did she hit the nail on the head or what?
I was trying to think of just one word that could describe my friend for a project I'm working on that is, at the moment, top secret. :-)

I mean, how do you chose just one word to describe a friendship that has stood the test of time? Or someone who has been there every step of the way, even when she has had to carry you a few miles until you were able to walk on your own again? The person who knows you far better than you know yourself. The person who ALWAYS takes your side, no matter the situation. Or ever so tactfully, helps you to see the things that you are either too blind to see for yourself, or worse the things you see but pretend not to notice. The person you were college roommates with, even in the most literal definition of the word. I'm talking same room, same bed, same CLOSET! Yeah, that's love. The person you traveled to the other side of the world with. The person who threw their ski pole off a lift to make you feel better when your ski fell off and you felt embarrassed. The person who held your hair back when you had a wee bit too much to drink. The person who was feeding you the alcohol that got you to that point. The person who told you, you still looked great when you broke your nose with your knee doing backflips off the bed. The person you laugh until you pee your pants with, the person you go to first when something good, bad, ugly, or just plain boring happens. The person who got you kicked out of the bar on your 21st birthday. The person who cried because she felt so bad for getting you kicked out of the bar that night. The person who made you jump out of a plane to celebrate her birthday. The person who was there when you lost your stepfather to cancer. The person who cried when she listened to old tapes of you and your mom singing and talking when you were a little girl. The person who talked you into learning to jump out of a plane by yourself. The person who was there when you met your future husband, then took the credit and told you it was all because she made you jump out of a plane for her birthday that one time. The person who is totally to thank for meeting your husband. The person who stood right next to you when you married the love of your life. The only person you wanted to call and talk to when you were on your honeymoon. The first person you told when you found out you were expecting a baby. The person who was there when you and your husband welcomed your son into the world. The person who you call on the phone to watch tv together. The person who loves your son like he was her own. The person who understands all of your strange quirks and knows everything there is to know about you and still loves you. The person who finds your humor funny when the 20 other people in the room don't. The person who the first day you met her, came up to you and told you, "I'm with you". The person who kept her words from so long ago and has been with you every step of the way.

The only word I can think of when describing a friend like that is well, family.
Not friend, family.