6 Weeks, 6 Days

Hello All!

 

This is me showing my little old' blog some love. It has been six weeks and six days since I became a mother of two. Time has completely flown by. It seems like I just gave birth yesterday; the details, images, and feelings still so fresh in my mind (birth story coming next). But clearly it has been much longer than just yesterday which leads me to this evening. I'm currently laying next to a precious little guy who is completely content and all cuddled up beside me. I am exhausted. And happy.

If you were to ask me what life with two kids under three is like, I would tell you it is hard. It is really, really hard. I believe in honesty. And sugar coating things isn't my style, so this is me telling you that having two little ones is no walk in the park. I was not expecting the transition to be as much of a challenge as it actually turned out to be. Silly me :)

My days seem to almost always feel like constant chaos. It takes me ten times longer to do anything and everything. I have become particularly fond of my coffee in the morning. Ok, fond is probably an understatement. My house is never clean the way it used to be. I have trouble finishing my own sentences, responding to emails, calls, and text messages, and remembering to send out birthday cards. I eat every meal in under 5 minutes for fear that the opportunity to nourish my body will pass and I will be sidetracked by changing a diaper, wiping a nose, nursing a baby, cleaning up a spill, or dealing with an unruly individual. And I'm scared to death to leave the house with the boys without another adult to help. The thought alone makes me cringe and want to run to my bed and throw the covers over my head. There are many times (a day) I wonder why on Earth do people continue to have kids. I mean it is just so much work! Then, as quickly as that thought enters my mind, The millions of little things that make parenting so absolutely amazing wash over me and then I know.

I know, that children are a blessing. I know that the hardest things in life, reap the most reward. I know, when I look into the eyes of my little boys that there is absolutely nothing else I would rather be doing then raising them. And I think to myself, "Man, I love being a mother." And I love my two little boys. My thoughts are consumed with them, my dreams are dreams for them, and my heart has never felt more full.

So for now, I will laugh at the chaos and embrace it. After all, it's happy chaos. I know when these moments are nothing but a memory that I will long for the days when the sound of little feet was the music we danced to week to week. (name that song)

And that's about all the love I have to give the blogging world tonight.

From my little piece of chaotic heaven, I am signing off.

 

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Dear Kai part 3

I was just looking over my past blog posts and realized I never published the third part to my first letter to Kai. So here it is, Part 3: Kai's Birth.

“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.”

The days leading up to your birth are a blur to me. I don't remember exactly what youR Dad and I did each day but I do know that we spent most of it trying to make up for lost time. The precious time and moments that he missed while you were thriving and growing inside of me. We laid around, cuddled, talked about our dreams for you and what we hoped would be the childhood we would give to you. It was blissful and dreamy to say the least, the last moments as a family of two.

Eight days, before your birth I went in for my weekly appointment and had my membranes stripped. I won't give you details but just know it was done to speed things along and it was painful. Looking back, I laugh at my lack of patience. Most first time moms and many experienced moms are very impatient when it comes to the end of their pregnancies. Subjecting themselves to uncomfortable, painful, and even risky procedures all to get it over with. I know now that it's always better to let nature take its course but I can't change the past and this part of your story. So anyways, after that was done I immediately started feeling painful contractions and believed you were in fact on your way. That night, your Dad and I had a breastfeeding 101 class at the hospital and decided to go regardless of my contractions because if I did go into labor I would already be where I needed to be.

When we got to the class, I was by far the most pregnant person in there. I felt a sting of sadness for not being able to do things like this my entire pregnancy with your Dad, but that quickly went away when I reminded myself how fortunate I was that I was in fact, still pregnant and would have your Dad by my side the rest of the journey. The class was informative and I am thankful we went. At one point, the LC put on a video starring a baby that resembled Zoolander (if you don't know who Zoolander is, google him or whatever it's called when you look something up these days) your Dad and I could not contain our laughter. We were like two high school students sitting in the back of class howling at the video then howling again at our inability to act like adults and maybe even howling again at the expressions of the very, VERY serious expectant parents around us who seemed to have no sense of humor at all. By the time we left the class, my contractions had all but ceased and we went home and got into bed still giggling to ourselves like school girls.

A week later, I was 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I went in for my appointment and again had my membranes stripped. This time the fear of being induced with pitocin or a c-section was a factor that was now added into my decision. It frustrates me to no end that doctors scare their patients into decisions like that. But again, these are the details of your story and I will try to not get side-tracked. This time the pain afterwards was extreme. We got back in the car and headed home to eat dinner because I had a good feeling you were on your way to meet us. We got stuck in traffic on the Howard Franklin Bridge. It wasn't fun, but we made it home with plenty of time to eat, pack up last minute items in our bags and head to the hospital. I was admitted almost immediately. Your Dad made phone calls about your near arrival and we sat back and relaxed while we tried to take in the magnitude of the night. We were becoming parents. At some point, the doctor on call from the OB group came in and took a brief look at my vitals and how things were progressing then dropped a mini bomb on our excitement. She said my labor was starting to slow and I either needed to go home or needed to let them administer a small dosage of pitocin to speed things up. No wonder a large majority of women are so impatient, they have impatient doctors who give them ultimatums and make them feel nervous. How frustrating this part of the story is to me! I was already in a hospital gown, IVs and fetal monitors laced my body, and we were a good 30 minutes away from home. I made the decision to have pitocin and thus began my cascade of medical interventions leading up to your birth.

Once the pitocin reached my veins the pain became intense, unnatural, something only a robot could endure. Each contraction harder than the next with a shorter rest period after each one. Out of my mind with frustration and spine shocking pain, I asked for an epidural. I will not lie to you, that epidural felt wonderful. I was numb. It seemed liked the best decision I had ever made until time flew forward and I had been pushing for almost 4 hours with no luck of getting you out. You see, I couldn't feel what the heck I was doing. There is a reason God made women with the ability to feel Pain and contractions. It helps bring your baby into your arms, not the other way around. During the hours and hours of pushing, the doctor and nurses made comments such as "stop pushing with your face" or "you aren't pushing the right way!" I felt intimidated, humiliated and like I was failing miserably as a woman. Finally, the doctor said she would give me 30 minutes and if I didn't have that baby out of me we were going to talk "options". Panic struck me and I pushed and pushed with as much energy as my exhausted body could muster but was at a loss. I spiked a 104 degree temperature (probably from the epidural and stress combined) and suddenly the room was filled with 30 people. The doctor said she needed to use a vacuum on you and took out her knife. After two failed attempts, she pulled you out and whisked you away. I was hysterical to say the least. Your Dad looked like he was going to vomit. And those were our first moments of parenthood. It was the most terrified I had ever been in my life. It was a heart wrenching, soul shaking, and earth shattering experience. Nothing mattered beyond you.

After what seemed like an eternity, you let out a sad little whimper and they brought you over to me so I could kiss you goodbye before they brought you to NICU. I guess it was then that I realized my heart would never be the same. And it never has been.

Kai, I want you to know that even though your first moments and days on this Earth were the most difficult of my life, there has never been a second when it wasn't absolutely worth it. I would do it all over again, just to be your mother. You have opened my eyes to the most beautiful experiences and my soul is forever altered. You made me a mother. Of all the things I have done, being your Mom has been my favorite. I promise to cherish each day with you and never take the blessing of your existence for granted. I love you with every beat of my heart.

Love Forever and Always,

Mama xoxox

 

 

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Tot School: Plant Week, Bug Week, and Independence Day Theme Week

Our first week of Tot School was extremely basic and more of a means to get our feet wet on our homeschooling journey than anything else. Our garden was beginning to grow and many flowers were still in bloom so I thought a plant themed week would be a really great beginning.

Plant Week

The first thing I did was create a seed sensory bin. I filled this tub up with different types of seeds I had leftover from planting our garden earlier in the year, along with soil and some shredded pieces of recycled brown paper. I gave Kai his shovel and had him dig in the tub and search for the seeds. When we found them all, we counted the seeds together and threw them back in. We did this many times during the week. It was a big success.

What would a plant theme be without a walk outside? Next, we went into our front and back yard and talked about the different types of plants we had growing around us. Trees, flowers, shrubs, grass, etc. Then we picked a few flowers, leaves, and blades of grass and brought them inside to make print paintings.

The rest of the week, we worked on short activities that did not necessarily fall under the specific plant theme. I did very little planning with this week, but it was the perfect amount to get us started. I didn't want to bombard Kai with a copious amount of activities.

Matching flash cards.

Transferring water with a sponge. This was and still is a favorite of Kai's. Kids+water= winning.

Glueing practice

Working on fine motor skills with stickers.

Making shapes with the geo-board.

Kai's first time using scissors! He is using a sheet out of our Kumon book "Let's Cut Paper!" Its a great resource for mastering the motor skills needed for scissor skills.

Transferring Pom poms using tongs. These tongs are far too big for little hands but at this point I had not purchased my small toast tongs that we now use. I recommend using those or ice tongs to start with.

We also planted flower seeds in a pot that I had Kai finger paint but for some reason did not take a picture of that activity.

Bug Week

During Plant week, Kai Became very interested in bugs. Naturally, every plant we were inspecting and discovering had at least one bug in its near proximity. And that's how our next theme came to be.

The beginning of bug week started with a Splat (I know, I'm so cheesy)! I came across a recipe for homemade sidewalk chalk paint in one of the arts and crafts books I own and decided it would be fun to use fly swatters instead of brushes. I cut out a piece of our large roll of craft paper, brought it outside and our fly swatting masterpiece was born.

Homemade sidewalk chalk paint!

To be completely honest, the paint was less than satisfactory. The consistency never seemed quite right no matter how much corn starch I added with hot water. The color was mediocre as well. In hindsight, I think it would have been more exciting to just buy some of the really vibrant sidewalk chalk paint that crayola sells but it's hard for me to justify any purchase when I can make something on my own with things we already own. The most important part was that Kai really, really enjoyed this activity and we spent a good hour outside hitting the swatter on the paper yelling, "splat!" So it was all worth it :)

More cutting from our Kumon book.

Pom Pom transferring using the new toast tongs. These are so much easier for little hands to manipulate.

"Sewing" pipe cleaners through a colander. I call out a color and he "sews" it in.

Marble painting a butterfly. Kai had a blast shaking the marble around in the box and was so proud of the way the butterfly turned out.

Our Independence Day theme week was pretty short since I was out of town for the actual 4th of July but we still managed to do some really fun crafts and great activities.

Sorting his Army men by color. We also counted how many we had of each color and took turns standing them all up and knocking them all down.

I found this fun activity where I find so many great ideas, pinterest. It's a dish full of baking soda, a medicine dropper and food dyed vinegar. It makes a little reaction when the vinegar hits the baking soda and was a good hour long activity at our house. The colors are suppose to be red and blue but the red never really turned out.

Practicing patterns using colored discs.

"Firework" print painting using pipe cleaners that I made into different size firework shaped brushes.

Matching numbers puzzle from my sister-in-law. Have I mentioned how nice it is to have someone in my family who has been homeschooling for a few years now? I have loved watching the transformation in her family since she has been homeschooling and I really enjoy picking her brain and hearing her insights. Thanks, Becky! Kai can recognize and match numbers 1-10 on his own but still gets confused with the difference between 6 and 9. I love watching how accomplished he feels when he finishes this activity.

The last activity for the 4th of July was definitely Kai's favorite craft up to this point. We made a confetti rocket sans the confetti because I wasn't in the mood to clean up any more messes before I left for my trip. So, I guess what we really made was a rocket but confetti rocket just sounds way cooler.

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Home Educating Children: The Very, Very Beginning

One of the aspects of homeschooling that I love the most is the freedom to do what I want, when I want, how I want, and to move in the direction I see fit for each of my children collectively and individually. Although the task at hand may seem daunting at times, this is something that truly gives me peace.
For many people, schooling begins when a child enters preschool. Usually around 3 or 4. I have decided that it will begin for Kai at two and a half. It is what we call Tot School. Not quite as formal as pre-school but more structured than free play for a part of the day. The Tot School Idea was created here.

To be honest, most mothers start tot school with their little ones without even knowing it. It's the concept of giving our kids opportunities to develop and learn while still keeping the environment one which fosters a child's natural desire to learn. This day in age, it's very easy to get stuck sticking your child in front of the tv for far too long or to walk out of the room and be uninvolved in playing with them. I am guilty of this. Which is why I decided that tot school was going to happen in our home at least once a day for an hour or so. That way I know without a doubt, that I have dedicated a decent amount of time where I am completely focused on Kai's education.

We have chosen a direction that is a mix between Montessori, traditional, and classical learning at the most basic level. Most of what we do is hands on, but Kai also has a big interest in sitting down and writing while using simple worksheets. The materials I use are things I have on hand or inexpensive items I find at the dollar store or dollar section at Target. There is also a boat load of free resources online that I print out at home and laminate. It's all about being creative! I can't tell you how many games I have come up with using dry beans and kitchen utensils. I have started a running list of "Things I Would Like to Own" where I put the items that cost a little more money. But for now, simple is working just fine for us.

Since this is an introduction to preschool, it is very relaxed. I follow Kai's lead 99% of the time. If I come up with a game that I think is awesome and he does not, I do not push it on him. Then I silently remind myself that this is meant to be fun. As he gets older and his attention span grows, I will add more structured guidelines. My end goal is to have him fully ready for an actual formal pre-school setting around 4 or 4 1/2. I will post our first week of tot school soon. We loved it! We did a theme week about plants, it was a blast. Honestly :)

Mother's Day 2012 Revisited

This Mother's Day was one to remember. I didn't get an elaborate gift or go to some really expensive restaurant. And no, I didn't spend the day alone because my family forgot that it was the one day of the year set aside to honor the women in their lives. It was actually a very simple yet beautiful day.
My boys made me banana pancakes (my favorite) while I got ready for church, alone and uninterrupted. If you are a mother you understand the beauty of an hour of prep time all to yourself. We went to church and enjoyed a beautiful service honoring mothers, came home and had lunch. Took a rest and had my mom over for dinner. Followed by dessert, my new favorite gelato that I just can't get enough of. It's worth every single penny we spend on it and at 6 dollars a pint, that certainly says a lot.
So why was it so memorable? I guess the only way to put it is to compare it to the first birthday you have where you actually realize the significance behind your celebration. That it's more than cake and presents. It's bigger than all of the tangible aspects. Or when you realize Christmas is bigger than Santa Clause and a pine tree sitting in your living room for a month. Your view of the holidays and traditions you have become so accustom to, finally matures and you see things in a new light.
That's how this Mother's Day was for me. I walked around the majority of the day feeling weepy. I know that may sound strange but it's true. To say I love being a mother, is an understatement. To say I love my child and the sweet baby growing inside of me, are understatements. To say I am grateful for my own mother for giving me life, is an understatement. To say I feel more blessed than I will ever feel that I deserve, is a HUGE understatement.
I see things through my mother eyes and heart now. And to be completely honest, I don't think I truly understood what that meant until just recently. Motherhood is instantaneous. The moment I knew there was a baby on the way, my heart changed. When that baby was placed in my arms for the first time, my heart changed. This Mother's Day my heart changed. This is my 4th Mother's Day if you count the first one when I was pregnant with Kai. I am not ashamed to admit that things are different for me now. I believe motherhood, like anything, is a life long process that continues to evolve, grow and mature. Surely, I will be a different mother to teenagers than I will be to my little ones. Though, my love will never change or go away, even if my "babies" are 60 years old.
Motherhood is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
What I'm trying to say is that this past Sunday, I saw the bigger picture. I saw Mother's Day through my mother eyes. I saw the beautiful sacrifice women have made for their children, I saw the joy and the pain, I saw my son gripping his little hand into mine as we walked across the street, I heard his high pitched little voice calling my name, I felt the precious baby boy I'm carrying kick, roll, and hiccup. I saw my own hand holding my Mother's when I was a little girl, I heard her voice and all the songs she used to sing to me, I saw women who wanted so much to become mothers but their bodies would not let them, I saw all the women who didn't want to have kids and felt pain in my heart for the immense amount of joy they would miss out on that they would never be able to comprehend, I saw the mothers who lost their babies and the whole in their hearts that could never be refilled, I saw young mothers and old, married moms, and single moms who are in my opinion, absolutely amazing; I saw women pregnant with their first babies completely unaware what their sweet hearts were in for, I saw everything all wrapped up together, alike and different, how quickly time flies by and how beautiful this world really is.
See why I felt so weepy? You could blame it on my pregnancy hormones or my sensitive heart as a woman but I'm certain it was because I saw the big, beautiful picture. And for that I am grateful.

Birth: Every Home Should Have One.

There is a change coming to the Stahler home.
There is a little baby joining us in September!
We are beyond excited to have another little precious soul to love. We can't wait to start from square one and experience babyhood all over again! There is one thing we are doing differently though. One very important change.
We are not planning to bring our child into the world in a hospital! Gasp!
We are planning on having our baby at home. Double Gasp!

Now, I know there are some people out there who think I am crazy. And I'm sure those of you have a list of reasons why you feel that way.
To be honest, if you would have talked to me a few years ago, I would be right along with you. The words coming out of my mouth would have been somewhere along the lines of, "That lady is out of her mind!"
But, I'm not. In fact, the thought of going back to a hospital this time sounds way more crazy to me.

I have been asked a lot of questions regarding my decision to home birth so let me try and clarify a few myths and concerns in regards to having a baby at home. In my own words and opinion, of course.

1. I am in no way anti-hospital. I think hospitals are absolutely wonderful. But, ONLY in cases where there is an actual medical problem or concern. Doctors fix things. They are there to save lives in emergencies, to cure people when they have an illness, to diagnose ailments of the body and help people maintain the physical lifestyle they desire. As a pregnant woman, I am not sick. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me (physically :D). There is nothing to fix. I am a healthy, low risk woman who is having a baby. It's a natural process. So please tell me why I need to go to a hospital to have my baby? The answer to this question is: I don't.
If my pregnancy goes without complication there is no medical need for me to be in a hospital. Not one.

2. So now you are probably thinking, what about in the case of an emergency? I am not having my baby by myself. Nor am I having a baby in the backwoods of nowhere land, USA, where the local medicine woman is going to help me give birth by concocting a potion to help with the pain. I have a CN midwife who has had a formal education in prenatal, birth and labor and postpartum health care. She will be there to guide me and make sure my birth is going safely. The last thing she would ever do would let my safety or my baby's safety be compromised. If for some reason, I need emergency medical assistance that can only be offered in a hospital, then I will gladly transport to the hospital.

3. Having a homebirth is unsafe and being in a hospital reduces the risk of complication. This is false. My birth with my son is the perfect example how complications are just as likely on a hospital, if not more likely, especially in cases where the mother is experiencing a completely normal birth process. Those of you who know me well, know how that birth went. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it went something like this. I go into labor, husband drives me to hospital 45 minutes away, I am admitted, after two hours my labor begins to slow slightly, doctor comes and says, "you need pitocin or you need to go home" she obviously didn't want me to waste her time, I make the DUMB decision to get connected to a pitosin drip out of fear, embarrassment and guilt; could not take the unnatural pain of my contractions and had an epidural, I dilate in record time and begin pushing, I push and push and push, then I push some more, at around 3 hours of pushing, cocky and cold doctor comes in and tells me to stop pushing with my face and that if I can't get this baby out we need to talk options (doesn't she sound so sweet?), I continue to push then spike a fever of 104, doctor comes in tells me its too late, 30 plus people from NICU arrive in my room, doctor gives me an awesome episiotomy and uses a vacuum on my son's head to deliver him, he comes out limp and is not crying, I am crying and asking everyone, "Is my baby ok?", no one answers, they finally get him to let out a little cry and whisk him away from me for 5 hours.
Sounds like a really great time right?

4. Well aren't you glad you were in a hospital so they could fix the problem with your birth?
Ummmm, here is the number one problem with the world we live in today. People have stopped educating themselves and blindly believe anything they are told. I am just as guilty as the next person. I didn't even realize the pitfalls of my birth until I went to the first day of my doula course. And I read constantly during my birth, I felt like I knew almost everything there was to know. I was wrong.
My birth was a prime example of medicine getting in the way and causing a problem that never existed, then having to go clean up the mess they created, all while getting a big pat on the back for saving the day!
The facts are this: a normal birth consists of contractions that ebb and flow, especially when the laboring woman is moved out of her environment.
I didn't need pitocin. I should have gone home.
Pitocin is completely unnatural and causes your body to dilate in a way that it may not be ready for.
The use of pitocin almost always ends up with the use of an epidural.
Epidurals make you so numb you cannot feel how to properly push out your baby.
Epidurals also, have a 45% chance of causing a high fever.
Because I spiked a fever, the hospital had to put my baby in NICU because of the risk of infection.

5. Here is the way I see it: having a baby is one of the most emotional events, a woman will ever experience. It will affect you in ways you can't even wrap your mind around. I chose to be in my home for that event. I want an experience void of hospital gowns, hospital food, complete strangers, wires, needles, bright lights, restrictions, and yes, even drugs.
What I am looking forward to: the ability to take a nap in my bed during the early labor stage without the fear that I won't make it in time to the hospital, being able to eat and drink as I so choose, the ability to control who is present at my birth, the absolute confidence that I will not be pressured into doing anything I don't want to, privacy, the ability to keep my dignity, holding my husband's hand while he coaches me through contractions in my birth pool, looking out my windows and feeling peace as I bring my baby into the one place in the world I feel the safest, and knowing full and well that I am giving my body and most importantly my baby, the gift of a natural birth, the way nature designed.

2012 Evolutions

Happy New Year! (one month and 6 days late)
I'm starting this year off differently then I normally do. I've never been one to be into New Year's resolutions. Actually, I'm fairly certain that I have never even made one. But, this year I have decided to jump on the band wagon. Don't get me wrong, I think the whole idea is great. Starting things with a clean slate, from this moment on, fresh starts. Honestly, one of my main life mottos is, "I did what I did then because it was what I knew, now that I know better, I do better." Where would anyone be if they never had the opportunity to change?
Instead of calling them resolutions, I prefer evolutions.
You see, resolutions are the means to fixing a problem. Most of my goals are not necessarily problems (depends on how much of an optimist you want to be as well) just things that need to be tweaked, dusted off, freshened up and changed ever so slightly.
In order to better increase my odds of success, I have made the decision to share them with all of you :)

1. Increase the amount of time I read and decrease the amount of time I sit on my phone/iPad/computer wasting time doing God knows what while my brain disintegrates into a pile of mush. I'm already an avid reader but I can do better.

2. Cut out even more processed food from our diet. This is one that I have already been working on and one I was doing well before I was aware what the difference between "real" and fake food was. It scares the crap out of me when I go to the grocery store and watch what people put in their carts. 30 boxes of hamburger helper, cake mixes galore, desserts drenched in food coloring, spam, for pete sake, soda, soda, soda, and the worst of them all, velveeta. Have we all forgotten what actual food is if it doesn't come in a box, bag, or can? And the kicker of it all, not one single piece of fresh produce. I made a decision long before my son was born that he would know what real food was and where it came from. So I will continue to do my best to give him the best food I can. If you have never heard the term real food look it up, see how much food you actually consume that is real and how much of it is, well, pretend. You will be amazed. I was. (stepping down from my soap box).

3. Exercise more. Gah. Isn't that so cliche? Seriously though, it needs to happen.

4. Enjoy the little moments more. Stop always looking for what's next and what tomorrow will be like. Just be, here, now, today. Everyday.

5. Send out birthday cards. For Pete sake, if there ever was a person who is the ABSOLUTE worst at that, it is me. I'm sure all my family and friends reading this can attest to the honesty in my words. Probably because they didn't receive a card from me this past year. I am so sorry. If you did receive one, that was not at all my doing but instead a divine miracle. The funny thing is, I buy the cards and even write in them but somewhere between my kitchen counter and my mailbox they become lost. Hmmm....

6. Write on my blog regularly. This may or may not be the 5th time I have written this on here. It's a work in progress.

7. Love more. Love my husband, son, family, friends, strangers, people who are mean, rude and disrespectful to me. People who are different than me. People who think, believe, love, and look differently than me. Love them all MORE. I believe love is a choice. There are days when people are just down right nasty to me and although, the easy response would be to hand them over a big helping of the crap they are handing out, I want to show them love, instead. Even if it's the last thing in the world I think they deserve, even if being snotty and hurtful would prove to somehow be that much more satisfying. I know I will never perfect this and this is not an attempt to try to perfect it, by any means. It will still be something I have to work on everyday of my life. But the heart of the matter is this: I do not want to be someone who is filled with hate, anger, hostility and harsh words. The only way to conquer those things is to choose love.